May 22, 2006

Pardon The Dust

I’ve been poking around under the hood all weekend making some updates to the site structure. It’s likely lots of stuff is broken or spurting blood, but don’t be alarmed, everything will be fixed shortly. There may even be an improvement or two. Sit tight, there’ll be more soon…

Commentary (20):

1. Mike D. says… may 22, 2006 | 1:34 am

The site is coming up pink with animated ponies for me. Is this temporary?

2. oliver says… may 22, 2006 | 1:59 am

That’s strange, I’m seeing neon green elephants surrounded by singing indian children (asian, not american).

3. Kenny says… may 22, 2006 | 2:05 am

Odd, for me it’s a deck of cards painting white roses a shade of maroon… no, it’s red.

4. David Barrett says… may 22, 2006 | 2:33 am

I see a fire hydrant peeing on a dog, with the word IRONY in all-caps, flashing rapidly between different neon colours.

Migraine-inducing animation is what passes for usability these days?

5. Sam says… may 22, 2006 | 5:19 am

Looks fine to me!

6. Andy B says… may 22, 2006 | 5:38 am

Oooo pixies everywhere!

7. Jason Santa Maria says… may 22, 2006 | 8:02 am

Oh man! So many great ideas! But which path to take?!

8. Sharif says… may 22, 2006 | 8:10 am

Why not use them all? Style-switching is hot, hot, HOT!

9. Web says… may 22, 2006 | 10:48 am

It’s always good to see a 1:20AM post every now and then. I’m sure there were a fair share of coffee and eye rubbing happening then.

10. Mike D. says… may 22, 2006 | 11:33 am

oliver: Interesting. Now I’m seeing the same thing you’re seeing, except the indians are American and not Asian.

11. oliver says… may 22, 2006 | 12:56 pm

This is totally incredible, I bet Jason is going to double his readership here once he reveals the redesign…

I’m seeing a Giant cat under a bonsai tree in a foggy snow-dusted valley, serving tea to a child who claims to be the reincarnated soul of James Spader. You might be saying “James Spader isn’t dead yet”, but this is exactly where the redesign of the site gets so interesting.

Apparently, James Spader abandons Television when his sister dies in an a mysterious incident involving a robotic chicken, he then dedicates his life to averting the “chicken-apocalypse” when robotic chickens will take over all major communication and weapons systems around the world.

James Spader is laughed out of every office in Washington… They simply don’t want to hear about a robotic chicken apocalypse when they’ve got so many other things to worry about. But little do the crony’s in Washington know that the robotic chickens are already amassing.

Knowing that it’s too late to depend on a washed-up system of bureaucrats, James Spader uses his small fortune (he was very fiscally responsible) to build an underground stronghold where he will train and prepare for the robotic chicken apocalypse.

To fund the operation he continues to act in small films for the Hallmark channel in a movie-of-the-week series about a small-town veterinarian (the second film of which is not all that bad, but by the 7th things really start to go down-hill. I mean you can totally tell that he’s lost all interest in continuing the series at this point. I mean, the scene when the he has to kill little Mary’s horse on the prairie-field? There was a time when he would have really sunk his teeth into that scene. I can’t help but wonder what a younger James Spader would have done with that role.), but at night James Spader trains and builds the tools he will need to face the coming chicken apocalypse.

Really, amazing work Jason. Just phenomenal.

12. Jason Santa Maria says… may 22, 2006 | 1:13 pm

That’s, uh, definitely one possible outcome, Oliver :D

13. oliver says… may 22, 2006 | 1:14 pm


James Spader ultimately fails to stop the apocalypse, he knew it was destined to be this way. After-all, he’s just one man — a hardened, robot-killing machine, but just a man.

When the robotic chicken apocalypse comes it’s devastating, the world has never seen such horrors. The Bubonic Plague? Nothing. The Holocaust? Nothing. Paycheck? Nothing.

Left with a toxic Earth that only robotic chickens can live in, and no hope for the future of mankind, James Spader spends the last of his Hallmark-fortune on finding Dr. Fritzklien, a scientist some men call mad.

Dr. Frizklien lives in the Swiss Alps in a re-commissioned castle where he trains crime-fighting lemurs (yes, it turns out that lemurs are very good at crime-fighting). Together with Dr. Frizklien, James Spader rolls the dice on humanity’s last hope for survival… A reincarnation machine.

In a tearful goodbye with his faithful companion, ZipZip (a british short-hair cat), he says “Damnit ZipZip, it doesn’t take a lot to know that humanity doesn’t have a ice-cube’s chance in hell without help. And if I have to die to do that, if one man has to lay down and sacrifice himself— well, I just hope that there are others who would do the same for me. That’s what the human race is about isn’t it? About doing what must be done, about the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few. Fair-well ZipZip, we’ll always have Montenegro.”

And with that, Dr. Frizklien pulls the switch and sends James Spader back in time, back into another body… The body of a tea-loving, friend to Giant Cats everywhere.

A masterwork.

14. Jason Santa Maria says… may 22, 2006 | 1:48 pm

You’ve already made this post infinitely more interesting!

15. TL says… may 22, 2006 | 4:21 pm

How about puce?

16. Tony says… may 22, 2006 | 4:36 pm

Quick, Jason, change the policy to “all comments are the property of Jason Santa Maria” and then option that story to Hollywood!

17. James Spader says… may 22, 2006 | 8:49 pm

Please stop taking my name in vain.

18. Damian says… may 24, 2006 | 1:17 pm

Oliver — That is by far the most entertaining and truly random thing I’ve read in a very long time. Thanks for the laugh!

19. jonny says… may 24, 2006 | 3:23 pm

Hello Join me I like you.

20. John Athayde says… may 24, 2006 | 3:35 pm

[to oliver]: *snort*

[to james spader]: Dude. I loved you in Stargate.

[to J to the S to the M]: is the blood the stain in the upper right corner? or is that legacy blood?